From lovers to parents: rekindling sex after birth

For many new parents, sex after giving birth can be a challenging topic. Life is turned upside down with the arrival of a baby — and that includes your love life. It's completely normal to be less focused on sex during the first period. Your attention and energy are mainly directed toward the baby and recovering from childbirth. When couples feel ready to resume sex varies widely: some can’t wait, while for others, it can take a long time (think months) before they enjoy their sex life again. Factors such as the birth experience itself, your physical recovery, your baby's wellbeing, and your own emotional state all play a role.

Maternity care professionals generally advise waiting at least six weeks before resuming vaginal sex, to allow the body to heal properly and reduce the risk of infection (vaginal bleeding must have completely stopped). After this period, sexual desire may be different from before — for both mothers and fathers. What neurobiological changes take place in women and men after childbirth? And how can you gently and positively rebuild your sexual relationship? Because this is certainly not unimportant!

Mom: changing hormones and desire

The female body undergoes major hormonal changes after giving birth, just like during pregnancy. During pregnancy, estrogen and progesterone levels are extremely high; immediately after birth, they drop rapidly. If you are breastfeeding, another hormone becomes important: prolactin. Prolactin remains high to support milk production, but it also suppresses ovulation and keeps estrogen levels low. As a result, the vaginal wall can become thinner and drier, which can make sex painful.

Tip: lube! Lubricant can be very helpful if there is a desire for sex but natural lubrication is lacking. However, it’s important not to rely on it too much, as it could become an easy shortcut "just to get it over with." Arousal should still be the foundation.

Protection and recovery

Prolactin also suppresses testosterone production in women, making you physically and mentally less responsive to sexual stimuli. In other words: your biological drive for sex is temporarily put on the back burner. This has a natural explanation — as a form of "biological contraception." After childbirth, a mother’s body (and brain) are focused on healing and caring for the newborn. From an evolutionary standpoint, it makes sense for the sex drive to decrease temporarily, since energy and attention are entirely devoted to the baby's survival, and an immediate new pregnancy would be detrimental to both mother and child.

Another important hormone at play is oxytocin — the “cuddle hormone.” During breastfeeding, oxytocin levels are very high, causing a mother’s focus to center strongly on bonding with her baby. While this intense bond is wonderful for mother and child, especially in the early months, it can leave little mental space for eroticism or sexual fantasy. Many mothers feel emotionally fulfilled by the contact with their baby, which can temporarily push the desire for sexual intimacy into the background.

Physical recovery

Your body needs time to heal from childbirth (especially if you had stitches or a C-section). Fatigue from sleepless nights and the stress of caring for a newborn also play a major role. Lack of sleep is a well-known libido killer — when you’re seizing every opportunity to sleep, it’s no wonder sex drops to the bottom of the priority list. Many mothers also feel overwhelmed by constant touch during the baby years: with a little one feeding, cuddling, and needing care all day long, physical contact in the evening can feel like just too much.

Emotions and self-image change too. You might feel insecure about your post-baby body — the extra pounds, a softer belly, stretch marks, or scars — or wonder if your partner still finds you attractive. All these factors contribute to many mothers having less sexual desire in the first months after giving birth. This is normal and usually temporary. As your body heals and your hormones gradually return to balance (for example, when breastfeeding less or stopping entirely), many women find that their interest in sex increases again.

Tip: Communication, communication, communication! Don’t ignore the topic. Be open to discussing it and recognize that this is an important conversation — and will continue to be important. Talk about your expectations and insecurities together, but don't put pressure on each other. Focus first on affection and closeness rather than immediately on intercourse. Find small moments to cuddle or kiss — and who knows, it might eventually lead to more...

Mental recovery

In addition to physical healing, your mental wellbeing also needs attention. Childbirth, new responsibilities, and sleep deprivation can be emotionally challenging. Many women experience mood swings, insecurities, and feelings of being overwhelmed — all completely normal. Taking good care of yourself — by sharing your feelings, seeking support, and being gentle with yourself — is essential to regaining a sense of intimacy and pleasure. Gentle movement can also help: walking, postnatal yoga, or light exercise not only support your physical recovery but also provide more mental energy, relaxation, and a sense of resilience. Yoga, in particular, helps you reconnect with yourself and can gradually help you get back in the mood. Recovery is not a sprint, but a process where small steps make a big difference.

Dad: lower testosterone and a more caring brain

While much of the focus is often on the mother, striking changes also occur in the male body and brain once he becomes a father. Research shows that fathers produce less testosterone after the birth of their child, and these levels can even drop significantly. This hormonal shift makes fathers more sensitive and helps them bond more easily with their baby. A decrease in testosterone can also mean that a father temporarily experiences less sexual desire — the libido simply drops, just as it often does for the mother. It’s important to recognize that men, too, undergo hormonal changes that affect their behavior and emotions.

At the same time, new fathers produce higher levels of other hormones, particularly oxytocin. Oxytocin is not only known as the "cuddle hormone," but also as the "bonding hormone." Here too, nature and evolution play a role: the feeling of connection is essential for fathers to grow into their parenting role just as mothers do. Research has shown that after a few months, involved fathers develop significantly more connections in brain regions related to attachment, caregiving, and empathy — changes that mainly support protective behavior and emotional involvement.

How does this translate into the relationship? Many fathers notice that their priorities shift after the birth of their child. They focus more on family life and — just like mothers — experience fatigue and stress. The combination of lower testosterone and higher oxytocin levels can lead to a less prominent sexual drive. Instead, many young fathers experience a new kind of intimacy: the bond of being parents together. Some men may also hesitate to initiate sexual contact during the postpartum period, either out of concern for hurting their partner or because they sense her exhaustion. On the other hand, it can be an adjustment for mothers if their partner shows less initiative than before — but it's important to remember that he, too, is changing. This period calls for mutual understanding: it doesn't mean you no longer find each other attractive; rather, you are both going through biological changes and adapting to a new life structure.

What now? Regaining intimacy in 6 Steps

Step 1: Give yourselves at least six weeks to recover – or, more specifically, wait with penetration until at least six weeks after giving birth.

Step 2: Build intimacy slowly – Focus on affection and closeness first, rather than immediately on intercourse. Look for nice sexual experiences – for example, a long French kiss, sending each other erotic messages or just lying close to each other – and only have sex when you both really want it. Intimacy is more than just “a penis in a vagina” (as sexologist Astrid Kremers aptly puts it).

Step 3: A good start is half the battle. Take extra time for foreplay and stimulation. A slow buildup with caressing, kissing, and possibly oral sex can help stimulate natural lubrication and increase desire. Comfort is key: experiment with different positions or techniques that feel more comfortable (for example, lying side-by-side instead of deep missionary) to avoid discomfort. And if something starts to hurt, stop immediately. Take your body seriously — it’s sending you signals to protect you.

Step 4: Get dad involved in caregiving (yes, really!) – This may sound surprising, but it can significantly affect your intimacy. A 2017 study found that women report much lower levels of sexual satisfaction and emotional connection in the first 18 months postpartum unless their partner is actively involved in household tasks and baby care. Involvement matters — not just for the baby, but for your relationship too.

The more you share the burden, the less exhausted (and perhaps secretly frustrated) either of you will become. Finding a rhythm together that allows both parents time to rest or do something for themselves can create space for renewed desire and intimacy. Plus, seeing your partner in their caring role can actually be very attractive — the so-called “partner as parent” effect can spark new admiration and even lust. In short: caring is sexy. A dad who changes diapers at night or a mom who takes an hour-long walk so her partner can rest — all these moments contribute to a better atmosphere in your relationship. Where do you think the "dad-bod" craze comes from?

Step 5: Flexibility in the times you (don’t) choose – Spontaneous nighttime lovemaking may not always be possible with a newborn, but creativity certainly is. “Sleep when the baby sleeps” is common advice — flip it around: "Have sex when the baby sleeps!" That might mean 10 a.m. during the morning nap. If needed, consciously plan an intimate moment when you know your little one will sleep longer. This may happen at unexpected times, so stay flexible and be patient — the anticipation can even build some interesting tension!

If you're past the real newborn stage and comfortable hiring a babysitter, do it! Set up a date night and step away from the parenting role for a while. It can help you see each other as lovers again, not just as parents. Still find yourselves talking about the baby all night? That’s okay — keep it light and add some humor. Most importantly: make time for each other, even in small doses.

Step 6: Don’t be derailed by awkward moments – This builds on the above: flexibility is key, but so is not getting discouraged when things don't go perfectly. Just getting into the swing of things and the baby starts crying? Laugh it off. In the middle of making love and you hear the pacifier hit the floor? Take a moment, have a laugh. Maybe you'll pick things up again later — or tomorrow is another day. Enjoy the moments you do share, and trust that one day you’ll look back on this period with a smile and a "remember when?"

Pro tip from the midwife: Don't forget contraception!

There are plenty of stories suggesting that breastfeeding offers protection against pregnancy. While it's somewhat true that fertility is lower, it is not reliable contraception! A woman’s fertility can return faster than you think — often even before the first postpartum period — even while breastfeeding. So if you're not planning on growing your family again so soon, think about contraception before resuming sex. In general, it’s wise to wait at least a year after birth before conceiving again, to give the body enough time to fully recover. There are several safe options while breastfeeding, such as condoms, the copper IUD, or a hormonal IUD. The mini-pill is also an option, although it can sometimes slightly reduce milk supply. Talk to your midwife or GP to find the best method for you.

Sex as a connecting force

Although sex may be less spontaneous after birth, it remains an important way to strengthen the bond between you and your partner. Intimacy — in any form — helps you stay connected not only as parents, but also as lovers. Regular affection, touch, and shared sexual experiences can reduce stress, ease tension, and strengthen feelings of love and appreciation. Sex is never an obligation, but it is a powerful way to nourish your relationship — especially during a time when everything seems to revolve around the baby. By consciously making time for each other, you invest in a healthy, close relationship — which in turn creates a warm, stable environment for your child.

Sex after pregnancy: a rediscovery

The hormonal and emotional changes after childbirth require patience: you will need to find each other again, with women often needing extra time and relaxation to feel in the mood. One cry over the baby monitor can be enough to kill the mood — but that doesn’t mean your sexual personality has disappeared. It’s simply on pause. Many new mothers haven’t lost their libido; they've lost their interest in unpleasant sex. The key is to make sex pleasurable again: by focusing on what feels good, your brain can start to rebuild positive associations, and your desire will gradually return.

Give yourselves time, be gentle with yourselves, and allow intimacy in all its forms — hugs, kisses, late-night conversations — to find a place in your (new) relationship. (Yes, your relationship is new too — becoming parents transforms it.) Stay open, keep talking, and respect each other's needs. Gradually, you’ll find a new balance. Ultimately, this period can even deepen your bond, strengthening the respect, vulnerability, and trust between you. Love finds its way — even between the diapers.